Self Guilt 

It’s interesting how the time of year can affect all of our moods. I suppose it’s a type of pathetic fallacy that inhibits people at different times in people’s lives, but I’ve only just realised how deeply it can impact on people around us. The mood changes so quickly, and there’s always that one person that can so easily pick up your mood change just like it’s their own. We as humans automatically judge when we see this change, and our defence wall builds up because we think it’s because of us. Some of us try to help, because it’s in our nature, others completely shut ourselves away. That’s just how we deal with change as individuals. 
I’ve experienced a lot of this lately, and it’s definitely changed me for the better. I’m one of those people that take it in their stride, and even after a little struggle, I mostly always win the fight. But I’m not everyone. Society deals with change in several ways, and when a person is in a different phase in their life, society becomes defensive and shuts that person down. We are all guilty of this. We are all guilty of feeling personally responsible for that person’s change, we can all be selfish like that. This needs to stop. Each and every one of us needs to learn that people are allowed to change themselves without anyone feeling personally responsible because sometimes, all someone needs is a little breather in life. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, it just means someone needs a little break, a little seclusion without society’s interference. We need to let that happen. Maybe then, relationships will build up instead of fall apart. Maybe then, communication will become important and maybe then, the world will become a kinder place. 
When someone acts up, don’t immediately think it’s all because of you, because more than often it’s not. Give them space, and when they are ready they will open up again. We all need a breather and a little seclusion at different stages in our life. We need this to become stronger and more self centered people. That isn’t a bad thing, being selfish every so often isn’t cruel, it’s human nature. 
Sometimes, in a world full of hatred, all an individual needs is some space to make the world that little bit lighter. Give them that love and the respect that they truly deserve. 

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Trance 

Ever since you left, it feels like I’m in a trance. It’s not that giddy, fairytale feeling where your heart flutters and you’re in a dream because you feel so overwhelmingly happy. It feels like a nightmare, one that I expect to wake up from and have you there. I can’t wake up, the nightmare is real yet it feels like a terrible dream. I remember when I was younger and I’d have a nightmare but I’d wake up from it with the comfort that it was just a dream. Now, it’s like I’m in a video on replay, but the exact same dream is a nightmare in reality. I can’t wake up. Because I knew I’d lose you, but I didn’t think it’d be like this. It sounds stupid I know, but you were my daily routine and now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do without you. My body’s in a trance. My body’s on autopilot. 

This must be heartbreak. I always imagined that heartbreak was what you experienced after a breakup. I never knew that it could be caused by losing you. You were my comfort, the one good morning text I looked forward to. Yet, when people asked me about you, I didn’t say you were my boyfriend or anything silly like that. I just said that you were mine. I never knew exactly what to call us, because you were always there for me that having you was just normal. We were us. 

Now that you’re gone J, I’m in a trance. I’m carrying on in this life without you expecting you to just appear, to welcome me into your arms like that comfort you always were. I’m walking aimlessly, now that your arms are gone. I still can’t believe this is real, I’m in a nightmare begging to wake up. I’m doing everything I can, pinching and shocking myself, to wake up from this horror. Maybe it’s the childish me that can’t comprehend that you’re gone, maybe it’s the young girl who doesn’t understand death and thinks that you’re just away for a day and you’ll come back. You’ll come back. Little does that girl know that’s life’s cruel, it takes the most perfect people and ruins the world of the rest left behind. Me, now I’m finally realising that you’re not coming back, that you’re truly gone. All I want to do is wake up from this horrible nightmare, pinch me. Get me out of this trance.

Words can not explain how much I miss you J. It feels like I can’t breathe, that I’m constantly drowning in such a trance. Without you to save me. I wake up everyday thinking it’s going to be the same, I’ll see that laugh, that smile of yours and everything will be okay. I’ll have my daily routine and everything will be normal again, because I never thought this could ever happen. But I guess God takes all the beautiful people first, because heaven needs that little extra light. I guess I’ll just have to learn to carry on, to make you proud. 

We miss you bud, come back to me. 

Mental Health Awareness Week 

At the end of Mental Health Awareness Week, I’d like to take a moment. Earlier this evening I heard of a tragic accident involving one of my close mates, who was involved in a fatal car accident early this week. Originally I thought nothing of it when I first heard the news, I hadn’t heard from him in a long time and didn’t think anything of it because he’d often turn his phone off for hours at a time. It is only now that his name has been released, and I have heard from his family, that I understand what has happened. 

Now this has a purpose. While it isn’t really clear if my friend lost his life due to pure accident or something a little more intentional. Whatever it was, I want to raise a point that Mental Health is important. It’s often brushed aside as something that is invalid, something that is easily fixed. However I have learnt that it is just as valid as physical illness, because if not treated, it can result in something like this. You are loved. No matter what you may think right now, this stigma behind mental illness has to stop. These people, my friends, need to stop staying silent in fear that they will get judged, put down. Mental illness is real, and it is a lot more prominent than we all think. 

So I’m asking you a question tonight, as we come to the end of Mental Health awareness week and as I sit here absorbing the shock of such news. I ask that you think a bit about mental illness, even if it’s just asking if someone’s okay. Ask yourself this. How many more people have to suffer before we realise and do something.  Mental health is real, and this week, it teared a family apart. 

Please please please don’t be afraid to say you’re not okay or ask for help, it may have prevent another event like this from happening. We need to be here for each other while we can. Life is short so don’t think twice but make smart decisions. You never know what the future holds. Let’s make a difference. 

In memory of Jordan Bruce Young, 31st January 1997- October 7th 2017. Rest In Peace you beautiful soul, you will be so dearly missed. ❤️ 

An old friend 

So I heard from an old friend the other day for the first time in what seems like years, I suppose once you get into a routine of talking and then it stops suddenly, you never realise how much you relied on them until they appear again. God I missed them, the laughs and the tears, all together when I needed them the most. You see, they were there for me through my toughest times, so when they left it felt like a chunk of my soul ripped out. It’s weird you know, because you don’t know this person for years but all of a sudden they become that one shoulder you rely on, because they make you feel alive, happy, confident. And then that shoulder disappears, and you try to live without it but you can’t lean on anything else, no matter how hard you try. You can try and replace that shoulder, but it doesn’t ever feel the same. 

My world lit up again, I smiled in that way only the one soul can make me smile and I felt confident again. Because I never realised how much I relied on them as much as I do now, because through thick and thin, they were always there. They were that one constant in your life that you could always envision being there. Now they’re back too, it feels like they never left, I’m back to my old self again and it feels good. Because to anyone else, they aren’t special, it’s just another human taking up space on this earth. But to me, they’re that one friend that means everything, because I can trust them to be there and in return, I’m there too. That’s the thing, I need to learn to be a better shoulder, maybe that’s why I drove them away, maybe it was me. 

I can’t fathom the idea of living without my constant, because while it may not be anything special, to me it’s everything. It’s the one person I can trust to make me smile, talk about the most normal things with, even if we may be far away. I can always count on them as my shoulder to lean on. And now I need to learn to be their constant again, and it’ll come naturally because they’re that one person that feels right in my life. 

It’s my turn to be your shoulder to lean on, please let me 

Moving On

I didn’t know I could feel so lively, a newly found self confidence brought upon by nothing more than moving on. Moving on from my past self, decisions that I made while stuck at a stand still. I think once I moved on and erased the past from my mind, I’ve been able to discover new things and open myself up to new ideas. I will never regret the past, for they have given me mistakes to learn from and things to improve on. The past has made me turn into a better person, I have found a better version of myself and my eyes have been opened to a whole new world

I credit this to high school, which has definitely not been the best five years of my life. However I have learned so many things, shed a skin that has paved the way for a new one. I’ve said goodbye to old friends that I thought would be in my life forever, I’ve made new ones that I never thought I’d be close to and most importantly, I learned that I need to be happy within myself to truly be happy in this world. I’ve changed. That’s easy to say now, and I don’t frown at it. There are so many adventures I’ve experienced and more to come, and I’m no longer afraid of opening myself up to experiencing them. I feel like these blogs are getting more and more self discovering but I guess that’s my way of letting it go, the past, and embracing the present. I’ve learned so much in high school that I couldn’t have anywhere else, and I’m happy to be moving on to a better brighter chapter in my life. 

This chapter writes itself with a new pen, having erased the past pages that doesn’t make the book good. Yet in saying that, those pages will always be stored in a special place to be revisited upon reflection. Because reflection isn’t bad, it’s good to look back at your mistakes and learn from them. They make you a holistic, better person who can look back on the past and smile while walking into the unknown. 

~C

Rhythm 

Mumma said there’d be people like you, doing what you do best, taking me for a ride. You teared my heart in two and you were completely blind while you did it 
You never cared about it. My heart had its regular rhythm before you came along and ripped it out. You disrupted its routine, and now I can’t remember how it bet before you. And the worst part, I could never resist your pretty little lies. No one knows how I feel about you, and it would be like social suicide if I dare let them know. It’s been so long, but you’re still on my mind. You are that imprint, that little rhythm, the one part of that song I can’t get out of my head. No matter how hard I try. I should’ve known you were too good to be true, you were that one dream I never wanted to wake up from. Because you were my escape from reality. My life with you was so much of a dream it finally became a routine. When that routine was disrupted, a part of me was disrupted too. I wanted to run back so easily, back to my comfort zone. Because I didn’t know how to discover myself outside of you, because everything I did was for you. 
You made me believe that my mission was to please you. I forgot what it felt like to do something purely for myself, and now that you’re gone and people ask me what I want to do. I can’t conjure a real answer that doesn’t involve you. I forgotten what it’s like to put myself first, because I always came second to you. A part of me still believes you have a piece of my heart. Because it’s never played it’s normal rhythm since you left. I don’t think I’ll ever get that piece back, so I need to learn to hum along to my new rhythm. 

That new rhythm without you
~C

The Love You Deserve 

Wait for the guy who loves you for you. Loves you for the little things. The way you smile when you are around children. The way your laugh lights up a room. Wait for the guy that calls you beautiful first thing in the morning, no makeup, tangled hair and messy clothes. Wait for the guy you tells you how much you mean to him every day, but also proves it. Who wraps his arms around your waist just to spin you around and kiss you just because he felt like it.Wait for the guy who tells you how much he loves you, because you don’t deserve to have to wait around for someone who doesn’t appreciate you. You shouldn’t have to wait, so find the guy that doesn’t make you wait. Find the guy who talks to his friends like you’re the only girl in the world. Let him talk about how you light up his world, that without you he can’t imagine a life, a world. Because you are his world. 

Wait for the guy who makes your heart skip a beat every time you see him because of how happy he makes you. Find the guy that makes love effortless. Love isn’t a chore. Find the guy that drops coffee and breakfast off to work for you in the morning because you didn’t have time. Find the guy that makes you his priority, because you deserve nothing less. Find the guy that wants to wake up by your side every morning because he likes the way you feel next to him. 

Find the guy that loves you for you even when you don’t love yourself. Find the guy that knows you better than you know yourself. Find your other half. Find the guy that makes you want to be a better person, that you want to make your world.

Because that’s the type of love you deserve, you care so much about everyone else but sometimes you need someone to take of you. You deserve an effortless love, an irreplaceable love. You deserve the love that’ll excite you for everyday of your life. Wait for that love, it’ll come soon enough. And when it does, do not let him go