This time of year always gets me thinking, about the big picture as if I am this tiny speck of paint on a life size canvas. Winter also gets me thinking about the small things, and the huge impact you had on my life. I thought nothing of it at first, I thought simply you would be another person to come and go, a person that I’d cherish but who would eventually leave, because that’s what they all do. Little did I know that there’d be a huge hole in my heart as soon as you left.
I suppose this is a hypothetical piece, but maybe not because I cannot pin this on one subject. I cannot think about this hole in my heart without thinking of more than one name. There’s the names that I think of and can’t help but smile. You made me a better person, you made me realise there’s more to life than pleasing others, that you can’t be truly happy until you are self satisfied. My only regret now is not realising how much you meant to me. It’s the epitome of that saying “You don’t realise what you have until it’s gone”, and that couldn’t be more true if it tried. You opened so many doors for me and taught me so many lessons that I will be eternally grateful for. It’s nights like these where my heart aches for your presence, and no matter how hard I try to warm myself up, the place where you used to stay is forever cold. You were my pair of arms that were always open, always embracing. You were my version of an angel, you were the one that my mind always floated to when I thought of happiness.
Then my mind wanders, to the times where those memories weren’t so sweet. I begin to question why I ever let certain people in my life, because I was blind to the destruction they would eventually cause. But, in saying that, I believe that I cannot regret those moments in my life, because I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I know that’s cliche, but you taught me so many life lessons that I am so much stronger for. While there is a place for you that my heart aches for, I need to learn to accept that it may forever be empty, because the time for destruction has passed, and I must learn what I can live without. And it’s you. You tore my heart out of my chest and stood on it, more times than I can count. But that gave me the opportunity to put myself back together and learn things about myself that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. I suppose that you cannot have an angel without a devil, because you can’t have sun without a little rain.
I miss the parts of you that always made me happy, that you were always there, ready to embrace me whenever I needed it. And I thank God every day that I had the chance to be so happy with you around, and I thank God that I got to experience the dark side of life. I was one of the luckiest ones, I had my angel by my side the whole way, to pick me up and fix me whenever I experienced sadness. These two people aren’t the same people, but they could have been, if I met them at different times.
I miss the angel that gave me strength, that gave me comfort in their arms. They made me feel that I’d never have to face Hell alone, because they were there to protect me. But they taught me that I have pick myself up and carry on, without them. And as much as I wish they were still here today, I have finally learnt that I can protect myself, because they are still there, in some shape or form, to guide me when I encounter the devil.
Thank you, my angel.