I Miss You

This time of year always gets me thinking, about the big picture as if I am this tiny speck of paint on a life size canvas. Winter also gets me thinking about the small things, and the huge impact you had on my life. I thought nothing of it at first, I thought simply you would be another person to come and go, a person that I’d cherish but who would eventually leave, because that’s what they all do. Little did I know that there’d be a huge hole in my heart as soon as you left.

I suppose this is a hypothetical piece, but maybe not because I cannot pin this on one subject. I cannot think about this hole in my heart without thinking of more than one name. There’s the names that I think of and can’t help but smile. You made me a better person, you made me realise there’s more to life than pleasing others, that you can’t be truly happy until you are self satisfied. My only regret now is not realising how much you meant to me. It’s the epitome of that saying “You don’t realise what you have until it’s gone”, and that couldn’t be more true if it tried. You opened so many doors for me and taught me so many lessons that I will be eternally grateful for. It’s nights like these where my heart aches for your presence, and no matter how hard I try to warm myself up, the place where you used to stay is forever cold. You were my pair of arms that were always open, always embracing. You were my version of an angel, you were the one that my mind always floated to when I thought of happiness.

Then my mind wanders, to the times where those memories weren’t so sweet. I begin to question why I ever let certain people in my life, because I was blind to the destruction they would eventually cause. But, in saying that, I believe that I cannot regret those moments in my life, because I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I know that’s cliche, but you taught me so many life lessons that I am so much stronger for. While there is a place for you that my heart aches for, I need to learn to accept that it may forever be empty, because the time for destruction has passed, and I must learn what I can live without. And it’s you. You tore my heart out of my chest and stood on it, more times than I can count. But that gave me the opportunity to put myself back together and learn things about myself that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. I suppose that you cannot have an angel without a devil, because you can’t have sun without a little rain.

I miss the parts of you that always made me happy, that you were always there, ready to embrace me whenever I needed it. And I thank God every day that I had the chance to be so happy with you around, and I thank God that I got to experience the dark side of life. I was one of the luckiest ones, I had my angel by my side the whole way, to pick me up and fix me whenever I experienced sadness. These two people aren’t the same people, but they could have been, if I met them at different times.

I miss the angel that gave me strength, that gave me comfort in their arms. They made me feel that I’d never have to face Hell alone, because they were there to protect me. But they taught me that I have pick myself up and carry on, without them. And as much as I wish they were still here today, I have finally learnt that I can protect myself, because they are still there, in some shape or form, to guide me when I encounter the devil.

Thank you, my angel.

~C

Friendship

Friendships don’t last. I’m in the process of realizing that now, because as much as I’d like everything to work out perfectly, that’s not the way the world works. Is it? I’m in a mental good space right now, give or take a few obstacles that I’ve overcome and it’s that time of year where just as I pull out one shard of glass from my back, another one replaces that very spot.

I suppose friendships are meant to be that constant in your life, once you find the right one. Yes, there are meant to be fights, and I also believed that saying “Fighting makes you stronger”, or however it goes. At the moment, my friendships are the one constant in my life that I thought I could always rely on during my tough times. I thought that these friendships would help me overcome my obstacles. I think I was wrong. That one person that I thought I could always rely on, for a solid 10 years, is beginning to become a figment of my imagination. My mother always told me that communication was key in any relationship, and I know she’s right. But it turns out this friendship is becoming a one sided war. It seems like I’m doing all the fighting and all I get in return is stabbed in the back. Replaced. Ignored. Constantly.

This person doesn’t know they’re killing me, and I’ll keep it anonymous in case they do read this, on a slim chance. All I’ve ever done is give. And I don’t mind that because seeing them happy is the biggest reward I could receive. I don’t expect anything in return. Okay, I guess that’s a lie. But all I want is them to be there for me when I need them the most, when it seems like I have no one. Lately, it seems to all be take, take, take and a back stab. And I’m letting that knife dig deeper and deeper into my back because I’m too afraid to pull it out.

Communication doesn’t work, I’m getting ignored for sure. And maybe I’m the one digging my own grave, by letting this continue. Because I’m too afraid to let go, because I keep hoping that things will get better and we will go back to the childhood friends we were 10 years ago.

I suppose I have to accept that all friendships aren’t perfect. But I also have to learn that fighting can’t be one sided, because I’ll exhaust myself and my happiness at the expense of theirs. They say that you shouldn’t burn out your own candle to make theirs shine brighter, and I suppose they’re right.

I just don’t have the courage to let go of the one constant in my life. Even when that one constant is falling apart

~C

 

 

The Mask

I can never do anything right. It’s like I have this constant urge to put others before myself because I like seeing others happy. And maybe it’s at the cost of my own happiness but I don’t care, I’ve never been a selfish person. But what happens when I begin to lose everyone I love over it? Is it a sign to start caring about myself more? Or do  I continuing putting people’s happiness before my own until I push them away? I think that’s my problem,  I was born with too much kindness. Too much respect for other people and what they think of me and too little respect and care for myself. I’m beginning to hate myself more day by day and while I beg myself to try hold on to the little self care I have left, it seems to be slipping away like everything else around me. I’ve always been that friend that has the shoulder to cry on and does as she’s told,  listens to others without a second thought about how it affects her. But I don’t care. Even if it means a constant feeling of emptiness,  it’s worth it if I help others. Isn’t it? I’ve always taken that stance that God forbid anyone seeing me fall apart, the times where I’ve opened up to people and only gotten hurt so I’ve learnt to hold back. I’ve learnt to build up an indestructible wall and never let anyone in but the truth is, I need someone. It’s gotten to the point where the person that’s always helping needs to be helped, but I don’t know how to ask for help without getting rejected. Getting hated and finally being seen how I see myself. Because God forbid anyone finally see me hurting. 

And those who think they’re close to me think they understand but they don’t. Because it’s them I’m helping and it’s them I’m losing myself to. I’ve helped others so much I’m beginning to lose who I am. I’m struggling to find myself again and I don’t even know where to begin to look 

A Lesson in Our Generation

Life isn’t about falling in love.

Life isn’t about losing weight or having to have the latest trendiest clothes.

Life isn’t about the likes or followers or the amount of money you have.

We have been brought up in a generation where we are made to think our purpose on this earth is to impress others. We live in a society where you are somebody if you own the latest clothes or have the best job and where you are nobody if you’re struggling just to get by and have to work two jobs to afford tomorrow’s rent. We are built to believe that life is all about the attention, pleasing others even if it means sacrificing our own happiness. Our generation is being poisoned with the idea of money and the world of plastic. We are beginning to lose the meaning of what is means to be humble and we are beginning to mold into society’s idea of perfection instead of our own. We are beginning to forget what it means to find ourselves, and I thought that’s what life was about. Life is meant to be about the little things like walking along the beach with your best friend and having campfires on a summer night. Life’s about finding the beauty in the laughter of others and not our looks. When did we forget to appreciate the small things? Because as a young adult, I’m beginning to wonder when we forgot to stay humble and true to ourselves.

Our generation was made to be loud, to enjoy the small things and not worry about what others think of us, because someone always told me to love myself first. I was taught to be happy with who I was inside, inside we are slowly killing ourselves trying to please others. We are becoming people far from the kids our parents raised, all because we are told to conform to society. But when did society become the thing to tell us who we have to be? We need to learn to enjoy life, appreciate the little things and not to rush falling in love because when we do, it will feel so much better. It will feel so much better because you took the time to nurture yourself and who you want to be rather than investing all your time into other people.

When I was younger, I always wanted to grow up to be successful, and happy. I wanted to live my dreams surrounded by everyone and everything I loved. Never once did it cross my mind that the most important thing would be to stay true to the small town girl I once was. Being a teenager in this cruel, yet lovely world, has made me see how terrifying life can be. But I have also learnt that I do not need to change in order to survive in it. That’s wrong. No one dictates your happiness, but you. You are responsible for your own fate and happiness. Sometimes in a generation filled with plastic and cruelty, all we need to remember is to stay humble and love each other. Because really, in 10, even 20 years from now, you’re not going to look back and remember the amount of money you spent on the latest trend. You are going to remember the little things that you had because you worked hard and put yourself and your happiness first.

As an amazing women once said to me: In a world of darkness, make them see the light in your smile.

~C

Lessons from a Past LoveĀ 

They say love is blind, and I had no clue what they meant, until now that is. I suppose it’s because you’re so in love with this person that you are blind to all their flaws and mistakes they make. They could be a horrible person to you and to others but you can’t see it because of how insanely in love with them you are. You have developed this infatuation with this one person that makes you think that they’re absolutely perfect. This infatuation is like a devil,  a devil that blinds you from seeing your real potential. As long as you’re with this person, you will never be able to truly reach who you really are. They are the poison,  even though you think they’re perfect and you’re the poisonous one. 
But one day,  that devil disappeared and the true monster showed his face.  I woke up and saw that the one person I fully loved with my everything,  wasn’t as perfect as I thought he was. I finally realized that he was the one holding me back from finding myself, because instead of investing in my own happiness I was too self absorbed in making him happy. Now that he’s gone, it’s like a blanket has been lifted from my mind, the fog has cleared and I can see my future clearer than ever. I’m finally alone, and that’s not a bad thing. A weight has been lifted off my shoulder that I never knew I had to get rid of in order to be happy. I never thought that my happiness meant not being with him. But now that I’m alone, I can set my goals. I can finally be who I want to be,  and dear I say it, spread my wings without worrying what he thinks of me. Or anyone else for that matter.

It’s time for me to take care of myself and put my happiness first. I have finally learnt that no one’s opinion matters,  it’s what I think of me that counts. I can finally push and push hard forward without him or anyone holding me back. Life is going to be about me and what makes me happy. I want to be successful on my own, and be happy in my own skin. Because one day,  not that long ago, a young me believed that I couldn’t be happy without him or the influence of anyone else in my life. Thankfully I’ve learnt that I don’t need him. I can become more happy and successful than I ever thought possible,  without him. I once gave him my everything that I should have been giving myself, and I’ve finally learnt that that’s all that matters. Myself. Because myself is the best gift I’ll ever be given, so it’s time to take care of it and listen to what I want.

So thank you. Thank you to you for finally making me see that I am the most important person in my life. It only took losing you and your poison to realize that no one can hold me back anymore. Because now that’s all you are to me, poison.  But thank you,  because I am no longer surrounded with your poison. I am free and I have my whole life to live without you, and I’ve never been more excited. 
~C

Stalemate

This slope of depression is beginning to feel like my constant state. Despite all the busy events that have happened recently, time is still going slow, like the low tide waves crashing against the shore. My mind is constantly racing, thousands of emotions and thousands of needs to be met, but my body can’t keep up. The physical demands being made by my mind, my body is struggling to keep up with. It’s the effect that this life has on you, once you lose a piece of yourself to the people around you.

It feels like I’m falling apart, and while I’m trying my best to put myself back together, a new obstacle comes along and I crash. This life of mine is a rollercoaster, ups and downs and everything constantly feels broken. I try so hard to put on a pretty face, but that mask of mine can’t stay on forever. I want people to have the courage to peel back my layers and look behind this mask of mine, but it feels like no one is strong enough to see the real me. The broken me. My problem is, I see the best in everyone but I don’t realize how much they are ruining me. Neither do they.

I’m trying to focus on finding happiness but I’ve reached a stalemate. I’ve begun to believe that I’ll never reach that goal, because I will always put others first no matter what and it’s killing me. I want to be my first priority, and you’d think from all the mistakes I’ve made with past relationships, friendships, decisions, that I’d learn by now. No matter how hard I try, my mind constantly wanders to others. I can’t help it.

I’ve reached a stalemate with my mind. I’ve worked so hard on everyone else that I’ve forgotten my own self care, it’s resulted in this. I’ve made mistakes and gotten hurt more times than I can count and just when I feel I’ve recovered, I get pushed off the cliff.

I constantly feel like I’m struggling and drowning in the current and not one person realizes and that’s it. That’s the thing killing me.

~C

A Letter To You

You left me in so much pain. You left a gaping hole in my heart after I gave you my everything. I had the strength to place my heart in your hands and you crushed it, but you gave me the urge to want to feel that pain. You made me want it all back, want to message you and ask how you were. I wanted to hear from you one last time. You gave me the urge to want to call you just so I could hear your voice that I love so much, then everything would be okay again. I wanted to hear your laugh so badly so I could remember the times I loved so much. That sweet laugh of yours that seemed to make everything feel right again.

You were the part of me I never realized I was missing, until now. There are some days where I can see the light and I can feel myself moving on. But then there are the days where I can feel the hole in my heart ache a little extra for you, that space you once filled. I know it’s wrong to want you back in my life, but I’m addicted to the pain. You are my drug that I’m addicted to. I can’t decide whether or not I miss you or the way I felt when I was with you. The hardest thing is living without you because I never thought I’d have to.

They say time will heal this pain, and maybe it will, but right now all I want is you. I feel like at this moment nothing can heal this pain, fill this hole, but you. I wish you knew how much my heart aches just to see you, hear your voice, touch you, one last time. But I can’t let myself fall into that trap, because I know it’s one I cannot escape. I know I’ll get hurt again and once I come crawling back to you, there’s no turning back.

It hurts because even though you are the one thing I miss and ache so desperately for, you’re also the one thing that I know I can’t have. You will only cause the hole in my heart to grow. But at the moment, the pain would be worth it for just one small moment of you.